Once in awhile a community is gripped by grief. The ripple effect from Brandon Thomas’ death has been felt by many in our community and beyond. Any death is difficult, but the circumstances surrounding this young man’s death, a teenager whose life was just beginning to flourish, touches us in deep places. It leaves us with many questions and forces us to look at our own lives differently.
We think about the vulnerability of life — what we can’t control and what we can. We think about our own children and grandchildren or reflect upon those who were special to us and have died.
I heard the stories of many people following Brandon's celebration of life service — stories that clearly indicate that we in Cochrane are experiencing grief, even if we did not know Brandon or his family very well. This death, combined with the “happiest” time of the year has left us feeling sad and asking questions: Why? How come? What if?
It did not matter where you were this past week in Cochrane; people were talking about this tragic event with sad hearts. Christmas joy turned into Christmas grief.
So what can we do?
Grieve well.
Be intentional about our grief.
Community grief is a complex thing. It’s a combination of people who are experiencing loss of their own in different forms. This tragic death tips us over the edge and in some way gives us permission to grieve not only for Brandon’s family but for the losses in our own lives — because loss IS a part of life. Losses can accumulate and should be faced head on.
Grief is a hard thing but not a bad thing. It is a necessary and ongoing process that can and should be thought through and planned forward wisely. There are some things you can do that are helpful and some things a friend can do to help you along the way.
The truth is any loss in our lives causes grief. If you are experiencing loss you are grieving at some level.
I often ask people, “What is it that you had last year that you won’t have this year? If you had it last year and you don't have it this year then it’s missing and anything missing leaves a hole in your life and that’s loss. And loss is grief.”
So what are you missing?
Indeed the death of a loved one, or in this case the death of a child, must be one that is overwhelming. And unless you have gone through it you will never understand. I don't.
But a community in grief begs a more personal question that all of us should be asking ourselves and ultimately each other: What are you going through? What's happening in your heart? Are you grieving in some way?
A community is a group of people in relationship with one another. Entering into grief together involves people talking to each other and listening to each other one-on-one in the coffee shops, in our homes, at recreation centers or in our neighborhoods.
Do you have a good friend to sit with, someone who will listen to you, asking you real and honest questions? A friend who does not have all the easy answers and platitudes but is willing to allow your story to come first over their’s?
You don’t want grief to have a grip on you for too long. And so you need to do something about it. It begins with your own authenticity and an honest look at what’s happening in your own life.
To help you explore healthy grief in your life, here are two resources that may be helpful.
First, you are invited to visit my website at intentionalgrief.com for more information about death, dying and grief. You are especially invited to check out the blog and to enter into the conversation by sharing your personal comments and stories about death and grief.
Second, on Jan. 10, 2013, the Cochrane Country Funeral Home will be sponsoring a one-evening seminar presented by me entitled “How to Care for a Grieving Friend”. Learn what you can do and say to help a friend grieve well. It all starts at 7 p.m at the Cochrane Legion located at 114-5th Ave. West and is free to attend.
